Gentlemen’s Choice?

March 4, 2011

Subject A: Isn't it Time We Chose?

A book I read once told me I should go out with anyone once, even twice. So I generally try to follow that rule. But then I end up accepting requests for evenings out with men who like me, but it’s not always the other way around. What’s a girl to do?

These unwritten gender rules about guys being the ones to choose their potential mates need some close examination. While one might say that women also participate in the mating call by luring their catch to them via physical and behavioral markers, most human women I know don’t do much more than note the attractiveness of a guy and possibly look longingly in his direction before returning her undivided attention to her friend. Otherwise she might seem desperate. (sigh).

I’ve been thinking that women need to resist seeing pursuing a love interest as a masculine or male act. It is empowering to be aware of your surroundings and then take action in a situation where something significant is of note. Yes, some men might dub us “aggressive” or think we’re desperate or boyish. And so we’ll be rejected. But that is just the nature of the beast.

Eventually, perhaps we’ll meet a guy who is open-minded or we’ll learn some “game.” I don’t know. But for the past 12 years I have let men run the show in my dating life. And what results has it brought me? Most of the guys who have stuck and transitioned into actual boyfriends have been guys that I, for the most part, chosen and pursued. All the rest? Interesting people, but no cigar.

Let’s stop wondering if that crush likes us and just ask him out and be done with it. Move on.

It is always flattering to be liked and asked out. But it tends to jolt me when I realize that on the date that I’m on, the guy is having a really great time, and I’m rather wondering when the night, albeit sweet and lovely, will be concluding. This may seem rather harsh, but it happens enough where I realize I either I need to learn how to spot a guy and lead him to me, or I just need to throw off the shackles of dating gender roles altogether and ask a guy out. I’ve recently had at these two conversations now where we (the other conversant was male) were trying to figure out (ala the discussion in Blue Valentine) why guys find it so easy to fall head-over-heals for a girl they are dating and why girls usually just settle for the one who seems best at the time they refuse to hold out any longer.

While initially, I held the position that guys had it lucky because they were “wired” to be attracted to both appearance and emotional connection while girls didn’t have the lust factor, this is really just regurgitating age old gender stereotypes that are for the most part probably not true. Instead, I come to another conclusion.

Guys have a much better chance of finding a girl whom they can fall in love with because they are %99 of the time choosing candidates they desire. If women only reject/accept when they are presented with an opportunity, their probability of falling in love would naturally decrease. Think of it like this. If a person parades down a street, (with cv clearly visible), hoping the CEOs of companies will catch notice, emerge from their buildings and offer a job, what are the odds this person will find a suitable position compared to someone who is persistent in calling on those companies she most wants to work at? Sure dating isn’t alwaysto¬†analagous to the workforce, but I hope you get my point.

So I am going to try to be more on the offense when it comes to playing the game of love. No more waiting around to be the chosen. . . I’m going to choose.

But then, if someone says yes, does that mean I’ll have to pay? Damnit.


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